Talking to Children About Sexual Abuse

By Adam Benton, PhD

Sexual abuse is something that every parent fears for their children, yet most struggles to talk about it. The truth is, as much as we hate to think about it, child sexual abuse happens far more often than most realize. In fact, sexual abuse occurs more frequently than children getting hit by cars, and we probably talk about crossing the street hundreds of times. National studies show that 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 10 boys will experience some type of sexual abuse before the age of 18. Although we can chant the mantra “stranger danger” it doesn’t seem to hold a lot of truth since 75% of child sexual abuse occurs at the hands of individuals familiar to the children, such as uncles, neighbors, teachers, and family friends. Studies show that 86% of child sexual abusers are male, and 14% female. Thirty-three percent of those committing child sexual abuse are juveniles, under 18 years of age.

So what exactly is child sexual abuse? Stop It Now defines child sexual abuse as:

So, how should parents prepare their children?

The Talk: So how do we handle this?   Let’s start with this: It’s not just one talk. Sexuality and abuse prevention topics are complex and like other complex issues, children need ongoing discussions to develop a full understanding.  The strategies below can help guide the process for parents.

Set the Tone. As uncomfortable as it may seem, conversations about sexuality boundaries and intimacy should take place in a calm, loving context free from fear or implications that private parts or sexuality are shameful or dirty. Children need to learn about sexuality from their parents, with their family’s values. After all, it’s part of life and will always be part of your child’s life. They are going to learn it somewhere and you’d rather it be from you, with values you want to bestow on your child. Studies show that children educated in sexuality delay sexual activity, have fewer partners, lower rates of teen pregnancies and lower rates of sexually transmitted infections. But education starts long before the birds and the bees talk. For young kids, even as young as two, parents should start educating them about private parts, privacy, and boundaries. The conversation should meet children where they are, developmentally. Remember it’s not just about sex. Sexuality is far more encompassing. It includes anatomy, gender, relationships, attraction, puberty, media, culture, values, identity, and much more. If you create a context where children can talk to you about these issues, not only will they be better prepared to prevent or report abuse, they’ll also have a healthier awareness of themselves and others that can prove helpful all through life.

Create an ongoing discussion. Children are constantly growing and changing. As they grow into new stages of development, their need for information on sexuality topics will change too. For instance, pre-school children become interested in private parts and may explore themselves and be curious about others. In this phase, they need an understanding of gender and anatomical differences, as well as boundaries and privacy. Teen’s on the other hand, are often exploring sexuality as it relates to attraction and relationships, as well as developing their own values, self-control, and identity. As a parent, your goal should be to create a family context that supports an on-going discussion of these issues. To keep the discussion going, look for opportunities to discuss these issues, such as when an event of sexual abuse is reported in the news or in movies. Look at these circumstances as an opportunity to educate your child and keep the discussion ongoing. Doing so will remove barriers to discussing sexual abuse and many other issues around sexuality.

Teach the actual anatomical names. We’ve probably all heard this, but it just feels so awkward! The reasoning behind this wide-spread piece of advice is two-fold. First, if children are being touched inappropriately, having the correct terminology will help them express it. Many parents have had the experience of learning their child was trying to tell them about sexual abuse but didn’t have the correct words to express it. For example, a young girl may unknowing say her stomach is hurting when, in fact, it’s her vagina. Having the correct terms is protective because it helps them communicate. Second, teaching children the correct terms for private parts also creates the context that they are just body parts. It helps remove the taboo that often serves as a barrier to reporting abuse. We don’t want to create the implication that private parts are too private to speak about by name, even to your parents.

Teach children that they are the boss of their bodies.  Children should be taught that their bodies belong to them. They are the boss and get to make decisions about who touches their bodies. Children should be taught to respect and protect their bodies in all areas, ranging from nutrition and hygiene to sexuality and privacy, and even bullying and mistreatment. They should be taught to listen to their gut. To pay attention to feelings, such as when feeling uncomfortable around certain people or unsafe in certain situations.

Good people sometimes make bad choices, even adults, friends, and family. Children pick up the message early that there are “bad people” or “criminals” out there, but the truth is that most sexual abuse occurs at the hands of people they trust. To combat this, parents should teach children that even good people make mistakes, including those we know and trust. Teach children that if they feel unsafe or if certain rules are broken it’s ok to say “no” to adults. To practice, consider making up a game or quiz. My kids call it the “What if Game.” My wife and I provide scenarios that cover a range of topics like teasing, bullying, social problems, friendship issues, abuse, and other complex child problems, and they tell us how they would handle the situations. We learn a lot about our children this way. It’s great practice and creates lots of interesting conversations.

With these tips in mind, hopefully, parents can feel empowered to create ongoing discussions with their children. Knowledge can protect them from unfortunate events of sexual abuse and empower them to be in control of their bodies.

Resources: