If you are a parent of a toddler or preschooler, then it is very likely that you have experienced the behaviors commonly referred to as “tantrums” or “meltdowns.”  When your sweetie falls down, kicking, screaming, hitting, crying, etc. as a result of a seemingly minor conflict or even no recognizable conflict at all, is this normal? How do we help our little ones when their feelings are too big to handle and their bodies are out of control? First, it is helpful to remember that all behavior communicates something. The tantrum is a powerful way for the child to communicate what they want, what they want to avoid, or that they are overwhelmed. Our goal as caregivers is to teach better ways to communicate and avoid reinforcing this behavior. Here are 5 strategies you can use at home to teach self-regulation and social-emotional skills.

Strategy #1: Set Them Up for Success

Make sure your child’s needs are met in regards to sleep, diet, safety, and daily connection with trusted caregivers. Set your sweet bundle of joy up for success by giving them enough rest. The American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) recommends that children ages 3-5 get between 10-13 hours of sleep per day (including naps). Keep bedtimes consistent and stick to predictable routines each day for meal times and healthy snacks. Also, spend quality time with your child each day playing together, reading, and having back and forth conversations appropriate for their communicative level. Pay attention to their concerns, hurt feelings, and boo-boos as they occur.  Fueling the relationship makes it more likely that your child will want to comply with your requests.

Strategy #2: Preparation and Prevention

Do some investigation. Take a functional assessment approach to the problem making notes about what typically happens, before, during, and after. What triggers the emotional fountain to overflow? Look for patterns in times of day, settings, or activities that tend to create stress, anger, fear, or frustration for your child, which are all common reasons for tantrums.  Ask yourself, “What am I doing in response to the meltdown?”  If you are often “giving in” or letting your child “get out of” something, then the tantrum is likely a learned response. In that case, stop giving attention to the behavior and focus on rewarding positives. Ask yourself, “What skill does my child need at the moment?”  Teach specific skills that they can be successful at and increase the rewards for trying to use them. Some common skills needed include waiting, making a choice, remaining calm when upset, using words to solve problems, naming feelings.

Strategy #3: Remain Calm Parents

Recognize how the meltdowns affect you. It can be so emotionally triggering for caregivers when the whining, screaming, hitting or other behaviors begin, but it is so important for the big person to model calm self-regulation. If the caregiver reacts intensely, it can actually escalate the child’s behaviors, be scary to the child, reinforce the idea that this is what we do when we are upset, and make the tantrum more likely to occur again because even negative reactions can be reinforcing.  Being calm helps you avoid a power struggle, arguing, or harsh punishment.

Teach Calm.

At neutral times during the day, when your child is not upset, practice mindfulness and calm-down strategies. There are many options for developmentally appropriate self-regulation techniques. Help your child choose a couple that are highly motivating to do based on his/her interests. For example, if your child really loves dinosaurs, you can come up with a dinosaur calm down script or book, make a picture schedule, or practice T-Rex breathing technique. Help your child learn how their body feels when they have super big feelings (e.g., heart racing, thinking too fast, feel like jumping, eyes big, tears, etc.) It is often helpful to give the child an option to walk away for time to calm down, go to a designated spot, such as a calm down area, and do a calming activity for a few minutes before returning. Reassure them that this is not punishment, but to help keep them safe and when we are learning new things, we often need lots of practice. (Remember punishments like time out work best for deliberate defiance, our focus here is on developing self-regulation to teach self-control.) Praise them for self-control and help them work out the problem.

Strategy #4: Teach Problem Solving Skills

Begin with teaching your child feelings words! We often assume that little bodies with big personalities have the capacity to communicate more than they actually can. We sometimes forget that when they cannot use words, their behavior will communicate for them! Teach them how to use words to label emotions and have them express their feelings at the start of a conflict to work it out before the feelings get too big. Spend some time looking at pictures or feelings charts and labeling emotions together, talk about real-life examples that have happened recently, read books that talk about the emotions the characters are experiencing, or play pretend (role play) showing how your face looks when you are happy, sad, mad, etc.

Parents can often diffuse the tantrum just by naming the feeling and giving a little empathy. “You seem angry. You’re upset that Mommy said to wait for your turn. I know it’s hard to wait.” Be encouraging. “You can do it.” Then, generate some options and give your child a choice. “How would you like to wait? You can wait by choosing another toy, sitting quietly, or choose something else. In this example, the target skill is waiting. Some other common skills needed for social-emotional success include giving an item, saying yes or no, stating wants and needs, seeking help, ending a preferred activity, transitioning.

Strategy #5: Reward. Reward. Reward.

When teaching new skills to preschoolers we should focus on the behaviors we want to see more of! Avoid nagging and critiquing the small stuff. Look for ways to make positive statements about even the littlest successes and give tangible immediate rewards. Once your child hears how much you like their behavior and feels how good it feels to behave in this way in relationships, they will start to do more of the positives and you will have more to praise. You can even use this skill before negative behaviors in settings that are likely to be problematic by prompting or priming, “You are doing so well using your safe hands.”

When to Seek Additional Help:

At 2-years old it is expected for tantrums to occur, but by age 5 we should see their disappearance. If you suspect your child may have a developmental delay related to social-emotional skills, contact your local education agency for an evaluation. Under Federal legislation, IDEA Part B, for ages 3-5 and Part C for ages 0-3, you have the right to a free screening and/or referral for consideration for early intervention or special education services. In addition,  if tantrum behavior continues, it may indicate a more serious underlying condition like anxiety, ADHD, sensory issues, or learning problems. Tantrums can also be related to trauma and stress or abuse. This is where a professional can come in handy. Talk to your pediatrician or a counselor for help. If you suspect a more specialized evaluation should be conducted, if you are concerned about mental health, attachment, or have a history of a traumatic event, contact our office for an appointment to discuss your options.

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