East vs West: Reflections on Parenting with a Partner from Another Cultural Background
As new parents, my husband and I have been learning the ins and outs of caring for a baby. How to give a bath. How to cook and clean one-handed, while holding the baby on the other hip. How to cut the tiny, tiny fingernails.
In addition to all the basics, we are also learning about each others’ families and upbringing in new and fascinating ways. You see, we are from two very different cultural backgrounds, so many of the basic assumptions about parenting cannot be assumed at all.
Because of our disparate Western and Eastern upbringings, we don’t take parenting decisions for granted. From small decisions (when to start solid foods) to big decisions (where does the baby sleep?), we are learning that our instincts are very much rooted in our family backgrounds. This is both a challenge and an opportunity. The challenge is obvious. If one parent wants the baby to self-feed and the other parent wants to feed the baby by hand until kindergarten, compromises must be struck
To me, however, the opportunities are even greater than the challenges. By being forced to explicitly state our underlying parenting assumptions, we have the opportunity to challenge each other and make decisions beyond simple knee-jerk reactions. Questions such as whether a child should sleep on his own or with his parents give us an opportunity to talk about the values of our respective cultures and how our own personal values fit in. In my husband’s culture, it’s unthinkable for a young child to sleep far away from his parents, alone in his room. In my American upbringing, my mother transitioned me into my own room at 3-4 months of age. In regard to child sleep, his culture values the warmth, security, and interdependence of family; my culture values independence and self-soothing ability. So for our child, we are trying to incorporate both sets of values: the baby sleeps in our room with us, but we are teaching him how to go to sleep on his own and self-soothe. (at least, that’s the goal!)
Thinking about all these parenting decisions also highlights how alike we are…how universal this parenting experience is…despite our differences. Whether we dress the baby warmly to protect him, or keep him cool to prevent overheating…our aims are the same: to raise a safe, healthy, happy, loving child. That goal is the goal of parents the world over.
It occurs to me that all parents, even those with similar upbringings, could benefit from the sort of exercise we engage in all the time: by becoming explicit about our values, beliefs, cultural assumptions, we are able to make decisions more clearly and honestly. And our communication is enhanced.
Communication, if it is effective, must start from a place of honesty and self examination, and we must clearly articulate our assumptions, our values and our needs. Bi-cultural parenting (if that is a term) teaches me to do just that. It’s something I will be learning and stumbling toward for a long, long time.
And if, as a parent, I learn to communicate well with my partner, weigh my assumptions, and think critically about my decisions, then I will have taught my child some of the most basic lessons in self-awareness, communication, and cooperation. What a gift that would be.
