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Bullying is a serious problem for many children. Nearly one in three students experience bullying and some 40 percent of teachers observe bullying once a week or more, according to Chris Munsey’s recent report in the APA Monitor. It is not “just kids being kids,” it is actually associated with increased rates of clinical depression, anxiety, and in some recent cases you may have seen in the news, it’s associated with suicide. Even students who aren’t targeted are effected by the fearful climate and distractions that bullying creates. For parents of children who are bullied, it is torturous to watch your child come home, sometimes daily, and cry over the mistreatment they face. While other parents, never know it is going on until it has gone too far.
If your child was bullied in the past, this is the time of year to get off to a new start. Let’s start with the basics…According to the American Psychological Association,
“Bullying is aggressive behavior that is intentional and involves an imbalance of power or strength. It is a repeated behavior and can be physical, verbal or relational. While Boys may bully others using more physical means; girls often bully others by social exclusion. Bullying has been part of school, and even workplaces, for years. More recently, though, technology and social media have created a new venue for bullying that has expanded its reach. Cyberbullying is bullying that happens online and via cell phones. Websites like Facebook, MySpace, Tumblr and Formspring allow kids to send hurtful, ongoing messages to other children 24 hours a day. Some sites, such as Tumblr and Formspring, allow messages to be left anonymously.”
Here’s what parents need to know:
Some children disclose the problem to their parents, while others do not. The first thing a parent can do to protect their child is establishing open communication. This means children need to feel able to talk about their successes and their struggles without fearing parental rebuking. When teasing or bullying is involved, this means that parents should avoid statements like “suck it up” or “just get over it… that’s what kids do.” Parents should empathize and try to understand their child’s perspective, then problem-solve collaboratively with them, rather than telling them what they should do to fix the problem.
The second thing parents can do is set limits and expectations. Children with unfettered access to the internet, whether through computers or cell phones, have more opportunities to be targeted. The APA report on Bullying suggests that you can provide some protection by having children and teens turn in their cell phones at night. Only allow children to use the “family computer” and keep it in an open area where you can monitor the content. Many parents also “Friend” their children on Facebook and “Like” them on Twitter, so they can monitor their activities online. Let them know you’ll be reviewing their accounts, texts, and emails regularly. Each of these strategies serve as a boundary to protect children from negative attacks on-line and they increase the likelihood that if cyberbullying occurs, parents will know about it and can help them respond. One author likened the internet to a dark alley, stating that if you wouldn’t allow your child to roam a dark alley alone, then don’t allow them to roam the internet without you either.
Here’s what kids need to know:
Education: Teach your child about bullying and the three types, that is, emotional or social bullying, physical bullying, and cyberbullying. This helps students recognize it more quickly when or if it happens to them or their friends. Discuss with them strategies to deal with each type. If they feel too interrogated, it might help to change the discussion to how they could help their friends, if their friends face these issues. Either way, they’ll learn the information.
Assertiveness Skills: An equally important part of prevention is teaching children, even from a young age, how to assertively and effectively deal with conflict and to assert boundaries. As I tell children in therapy, they need to have a “serious voice” sometimes, just like their mom and dad. Many children and some teens are afraid to assert themselves to others, but teaching them assertiveness skills may prove helpful in countless situations as they mature. This is something that can be practiced at home through role-plays or in dealing with siblings. Just to clarify any misconceptions here, the assertiveness that I’m referring to is that which lies in-between a passive response and an aggressive response. Assertive responses are firm, yet entirely appropriate.
Getting Help: Children also need to know how to get help, even if it’s not from you. Let them know that your first job is to keep them safe, that they can come to you with any problems, especially big ones and you will help. However, kids often feel too ashamed, embarrassed or even afraid to come to their parents for help, so ask your child who she could talk to about an issue if they felt uncomfortable coming to you about it. Ask them what adults they can trust. If they can’t identify someone, then you can appoint a family friend (someone you really trust) to be their go-to person if they are ever need help and don’t want to talk to their parents about it.
These tips are often helpful to prevent or minimize bullying, however, if you see that your child is exhibiting concerning signs of anxiety or depression, such as school refusal, social withdrawal, change of appetite, mood, or sleep problems, then seek professional help.
Dr. Adam Benton
